Robin Rules! Read online

  “YES!” cheered Robin.

  Ed clenched his fists. “But only because I never want you as a getaway driver again!” he screamed. Then he smirked and said, “I was using you the whole time, and you couldn’t see it.”

  “Nope, I knew,” Robin said confidently.

  Ed was shocked to hear that.

  Robin put his hands on his hips. “That’s why I’m not warning you about the demon.”

  Sure enough, the demon that had escaped earlier from Raven’s room was back—and it liked the taste of driver’s ed instructors. Despite Ed’s screams, the demon dragged him away and through a mystic portal.

  Robin walked over to the portal, proud of himself for finally passing his driving test. Robin was indeed a master—and crazy—driver!

  CHAPTER

  1

  Wee-o! Wee-o! The burglar alarm at the Jump City Bank sounded as the members of the H.I.V.E. Five worked together to rob the bank of all its cash.

  Billy Numerous had the ability to clone himself—which was great for creating a human chain to pass heavy money bags to the getaway truck. Gizmo used his technological genius to build a flying contraption. With it, he was able to transfer loads of gold coins to the truck.

  From the driver’s seat, See-More used his eye helmet to spot trouble. Namely: the arrival of the Teen Titans. He banged on the side of the truck to let the others know.

  Up on top of the truck was Jinx, her magenta hair shaped like two horns. She looked into the distance and sneered, “Titans.” She didn’t want them messing up the bank heist, so she gathered energy into a ball and flung it at her enemies. It sent out a shock wave right toward the Teen Titans’ car. BOOM! The ball hit its target, and the passengers went flying out of the vehicle. They were safe, but the car… not so much. It blew up into a spectacular fire. But the Teen Titans didn’t care about that.

  “Time to teach H.I.V.E. how to play nice,” Robin said. The Teen Titans got in position.

  Robin and his friends stood across from all the members of H.I.V.E., each side ready to attack. Robin motioned at the largest enemy—a villain of superhuman strength called Mammoth. Robin then said to the others, “Since Mammoth is the biggest and baddest, he’s all mine! TITANS, GO!”

  Both groups charged forward, and the one-on-one battles began. Robin pointed his staff toward Mammoth and unleashed an impressive onslaught of punches and jabs on the giant. “Hi-yah! Yah! Yah!”

  Starfire flew over to Billy Numerous, who split into several copies of himself. But that was no problem for Starfire. She easily blasted every single one of them with her laser-beam eyes. Since that only took a few seconds, she turned to Robin.

  “May I assist you with an eye blast?” she asked.

  “No way, Star,” replied Robin as he continued to fight. “Mammoth’s all mine.” He smacked Mammoth on the head over and over.

  Nearby, Beast Boy faced off against Jinx. Before the villain could do anything, Beast Boy turned into a T. rex. With one big CHOMP, he captured Jinx in his mouth as if it were a cage. With Jinx still in his mouth, Beast Boy called to Robin. “Sure you don’t need a hand, bro? I’ve got two very small ones to lend.” He wiggled his ridiculously tiny T. rex hands in the air.

  Mammoth was finally slowing down a bit. The only trouble was that Robin was starting to slow down, too. “I want to make this last,” Robin said, breathing heavily. “You know, to teach him a lesson.”

  Meanwhile, See-More spotted Raven. He tried to blast her, but she reflected it back at him, smashing the criminal into a brick wall. Cyborg flew into the air to face off against Gizmo. The small but smart crook brought out every weapon he had, but he was no match for Cyborg. The Teen Titan turned his arm into a cannon and blasted Gizmo, sending him crashing into a parked car on the street.

  Having taken care of their respective opponents, Raven, Beast Boy, and Starfire sat on the sidewalk and enjoyed a post-battle snack.

  Cyborg slowly descended and landed next to the others. “Let me guess, we’re waiting on Robin again,” he said with a sigh.

  The others nodded, and they all turned to see Robin still fighting Mammoth. Cyborg sat on the curb with the others and enjoyed a hot dog while he watched Robin exhaust himself.

  Finally, Robin shot out a grappling hook, which wrapped around Mammoth’s legs, and pulled him down. Victory!

  “Yes!” shouted Robin. Then he promptly fell over from exhaustion.

  “So who’s carrying him home this time?” Cyborg asked.

  CHAPTER

  2

  Back at Titans Tower, Raven, Starfire, Cyborg, and Beast Boy strolled into the living room. A few seconds later, Robin entered, dragging himself across the floor.

  “Great job, Titans,” Robin said, gasping for breath. “I bet you’re all as exhausted as I am.”

  Raven shrugged. “Uh… not particularly.”

  “All I really did was stare in the enemy’s general direction,” said Starfire. She demonstrated the power of the starblasts from her eyes by zapping a plant into nothing.

  Robin struggled to pull himself up onto the couch. “Love the attitude,” he said. “But I know your every muscle is screaming in excruciating pain.” (Robin’s muscles certainly were!)

  “Nope,” replied Cyborg. “Don’t have muscles.”

  Beast Boy lay comfortably on the other end of the couch. “And mine are all like, ‘It’s all good, dude. Peace and love.’”

  Robin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. None of the other Teen Titans were in pain, or exhausted, or feeling anything even close to what he was. “So, basically, thanks to your superpowers, taking down one of the deadliest threats to the planet is ‘no big deal’?”

  “Uh-huh,” said Beast Boy.

  “Yup,” agreed Raven.

  “Pretty much,” said Cyborg, looking up from the book he was reading.

  “Exactly,” Starfire added, popping her head out from the kitchen.

  Robin put his hands behind his head and lay back on the couch, trying to act casual. “That’s cool.”

  A second later, Robin let loose a scream. “AAAAAAHHH!!!” He beat his arms in frustration.

  Raven looked at him. “Problem, Robin?”

  “It’s not fair!” shouted Robin. “I do just as much as all of you, but because you have superpowers, you get to be lazy!”

  Cyborg made a face. “Lazy? You’re crazy.” Then, without thinking, Cyborg detached one of his arms and put it in his other hand. He then extended that arm to reach a glass of juice sitting on a side table. Robin gave him a look that said, “Really?! You’re not lazy?”

  Cyborg looked sheepish. “It was so far away,” he said, taking a sip of the juice.

  Raven looked up from where she was sitting on the floor. “Sure, Robin, powers make some things easier. But mostly, they’re a curse.”

  Robin folded his arms. “Curse? Puh-lease.”

  “Well, look at me,” Raven offered. “Who wants to be your friend when you’re basically the spawn of an intergalactic demon?”

  Beast Boy turned himself into a mole rat and went up to Robin. “She’s right,” said Beast Boy. “All my life, everyone has always looked at me like I’m a freak.”

  Cyborg pointed to his metallic knee, with a tear in his eye. “And it’s been so long since I’ve felt the sweet sensation of knee skin,” he said sadly.

  Starfire floated out from the kitchen and declared, “I am going to make the meatloaf for dinner.”

  The Titans had no response to that announcement. So Robin got back to the problem at hand and said miserably, “The only curse would be how bad I’d make you look if I had powers.”

  Beast Boy shrugged his little mole rat shoulders. “Guess we’ll never know, since the only way guys like you get superpowers is through horrible freak accidents.”

  Robin suddenly smiled, an idea forming in his head. “Horrible freak accidents… that’s it!”

  CHAPTER

  3

  In his room, Robin went to work on co
ming up with a way to get powers. He was tired of being the only Teen Titan without them. He set up two giant clear cylinders, which were connected by different cords and wires. He picked up a cage with a bird inside (a robin, of course) and looked at it.

  “All right. Ready, buddy?” he said to the bird. “Just going to merge our DNA. No big deal.” He opened the cage and carefully grabbed the critter, who chirped in reply.

  “What are the superpowers of a robin?” Robin said aloud. “Well… uh… good question. Uh… flight! Picking things up off the ground with your mouth. Crazy old bird feet. Stuff like that.”

  Robin put the bird into one of the large cylinders. He could barely contain his excitement. “Nothing like a little lab disaster to give you superpowers,” Robin said.

  He shut the cylinder’s door on the animal, then went to the control panel and pushed a series of buttons. To close, he took out a giant wrench and smashed the control panel with it! Crash!

  He raced to the other cylinder and quickly got inside.

  Zap! Bang!

  “Bad idea! Bad idea! Bad idea!” cried Robin. He felt like his brain and his body were frying like bacon.

  After his DNA restructured and the lightning bolts stopped whizzing around him, the smoke cleared and Robin stepped out from the cylinder. And…

  Nothing had changed! Robin’s plan had failed.

  Or had it?

  Just then, the other cylinder’s door opened and the bird sprang out and did an impressive somersault. Then it pulled out a Batarang launcher, fired a grappling hook, and made its escape.

  Robin suddenly grabbed his stomach and doubled over in pain. His face filled with confusion as he felt feathers spring from his ears! His feet turned into bird’s feet. His mouth became a beak! Robin had turned into a sort of mutant robin!

  CHAPTER

  4

  In the living room at Titans Tower, Cyborg was complaining.

  “I can’t believe my luck,” he began, taking another bite of his sandwich. “I just washed my car, and it’s already covered in bird droppings!”

  “Sorry,” said a voice from the doorway. “My bad.”

  The Teen Titans turned to see the mutated Robin standing there.

  Cyborg was so surprised to see this new, birdlike Robin that he dropped his sandwich. Robin picked it up with his beak and handed it back to Cyborg. For some reason, Cyborg didn’t really feel hungry anymore.

  “What happened to you?” Raven asked Robin.

  “And what are you doing pooping on my car?” added Cyborg.

  “I tried to give myself superpowers,” Robin explained.

  “By turning yourself into a chicken?” asked Starfire.

  Robin sighed. “Guess it didn’t really work out like I was hoping,” he said, disappointed.

  Beast Boy piped up. “Does this mean you finally realize superpowers are a curse?”

  “No way!” exclaimed Robin. “This doesn’t count. Wait… one sec…” He popped out an egg. A crack, a scramble, and ta-da! Breakfast was served!

  Robin then turned serious. “This doesn’t count since I didn’t get any powers,” he said.

  Raven shook her head. “I almost want to give you superpowers just to teach you a lesson,” she told him.

  Robin was surprised. “You can give me powers?!” he said excitedly.

  “Of course I can,” said Raven. “But this would have to be something you really want.”

  SQUAWK!

  Robin cleared his throat, a bit embarrassed about the noise he just made. “That was a ‘yes,’” he clarified.

  “Okay,” Raven agreed. “But before I can, there’s something you need to do.”

  “What?” asked Robin.

  Raven rolled her eyes. “Don’t play dumb. You know exactly what.”

  Robin clenched his beak. “I’m not doing the chicken dance for you.”

  “Chicken dance!” exclaimed Cyborg.

  “No!” said Robin.

  “Chicken dance!” Beast Boy said.

  “Nope,” Robin refused.

  “Dance of the chicken! Dance of the chicken!” cheered Starfire.

  Robin looked at the others. He realized that if he wanted to get superpowers, he’d have to perform the chicken dance. The music started and… Bawk! The dancing began!

  When he was finished grooving and clucking, Robin folded his arms. “Happy?” he sneered.

  “You almost made me smile,” said Raven. “Almost.” She gave Robin a very serious look. “Now, don’t say we didn’t warn you. Azarath Metrion Zinthos!”

  The spell was cast, and Robin was hit with magic. First he was changed from his birdlike self back to his normal one. And then he got…

  Heat vision! He tried it out on Beast Boy, zapping heat blasts at his head and feet.

  “Stop it!” cried Beast Boy.

  Robin then tried out his new freeze breath. Unfortunately for Cyborg, Robin zeroed in on him!

  “Come on!” complained Cyborg, frozen solid in a block of ice.

  Super-speed was next, and he zoomed past Starfire. Then it was telekinesis time, which meant Robin could now move things with his mind. He concentrated hard and made a glass of water rise in the air—and spill on Raven’s head!

  “Really?” Raven said, understandably annoyed.

  Robin jumped up and exclaimed, “This is awesome!”

  “Just remember,” began Raven. “With great power comes greater responsibility.”

  From inside his ice block, Cyborg added, “The burden you’ll be asked to carry will be even bigger.”

  “You’ll definitely be different from all of your friends, dude,” Beast Boy told Robin.

  Starfire, in her usual innocent way, added, “Did I mention we are having meatloaf for dinner?”

  Raven turned back to Robin, her voice grave and serious. “Yes, Robin. You will be forever a stranger in a world that can never truly understand you.”

  “A curse…” said Beast Boy, in a spooky voice.

  “A curse…” said Cyborg.

  “A curse…” said Raven.

  “Meatloaf…” said Starfire.

  “Wrong!” replied Robin. “This is going to be GREAT!”

  CHAPTER

  5

  Robin couldn’t wait to try out his new superpowers and took off in search of a way to save Jump City from danger.

  Raven shook her head. “Wait till he sees what it’s really like.”

  Cyborg nodded. “He won’t be smiling then.”

  “I almost feel sorry for the guy,” said Beast Boy.

  They didn’t have to wait long to find out. Robin crashed through the window just a second later.

  “I’m back!” he said.

  Starfire blinked in confusion. “You were gone for less than a minute!” she said.

  “Super-speed,” answered Robin. “Thanks, Raven.” He patted her on the head. She glared and growled at him.

  “So you know the pain of having superpowers? The agony?” Cyborg asked Robin.

  “Nope! It was great,” Robin replied. “I rounded up every super-villain and put them in jail.”

  “In three seconds?” asked Beast Boy.

  “I also used my powers to grow crops and solve world hunger,” continued Robin. “I ended all wars, too.” He looked smug.

  “Oh, is that all?” Raven said sarcastically.

  Robin zoomed over to the table. “Oh, and I made meatloaf for dinner.”

  “Joy!” gushed Starfire. But before she could enjoy any of the food, the bird Robin had used in his experiment came and took the meatloaf away.

  Just then, Raven asked an important question. “So, you’re saying you solved all the world’s problems?”

  “Uh-huh,” Robin said proudly.

  Starfire’s eyes grew wide. “And there are no more super-villains to battle?” she asked.

  “You know it!” said Robin.

  Beast Boy sighed. “Then I guess we don’t have to be Teen Titans anymore,” he realized.

&n
bsp; Robin nodded. “That’s right—wait, WHAT??”

  “Nice going, Robin,” Cyborg said, annoyed. “You just put us all out of a job.”

  The Teen Titans then packed up their stuff.

  “Guess this is good-bye,” Beast Boy said, holding a box of his stuff under each arm.

  Cyborg seemed to be fine with it. A simple “See ya,” and he was out of there. Raven left with a quick “Later.”

  It was Starfire who was the most upset. “I will miss all of you,” she said emotionally.

  “Wait!” yelled Robin as the others left the Tower. “What am I going to do?”

  Raven shrugged. “Get a new job, I guess.”

  CHAPTER

  6

  Inside the Corp-O office building, Robin was wearing a suit and tie, hoping to get a job. He nervously sat across a desk from a businessman, who looked over Robin’s résumé.

  “Let’s see, it says here you worked for the Teen Titans,” said the man.

  “Yes, sir,” Robin replied. “We were a team of super heroes.”

  “Were?” asked the man. “You were fired?”

  Feeling a little uneasy, Robin pulled at his shirt collar. “Not fired. Just… disbanded. I kind of solved all the world’s problems.”

  “Right,” said the man. He looked down at the résumé again. “And under special skills, you listed X-ray vision?”

  “Yup,” Robin answered.

  That’s all the man needed to hear. He held out his hand to shake. “You start Monday.”

  Without any villains to fight, the weekend dragged for Robin. He was actually looking forward to starting his new job. When Monday came, he got to the office a little early and sat behind his desk. It only took a few minutes for it to feel quiet, lonely, and very, very boring.